144PoemsandEssays4

#NaPoWriMo My last apology

if beauty was wealth

then you'd be rich

for a minute

until the covers fell off

until your hair thinned

until the costume wears out

because it's a gorgeous costume

it's a husk you despise

it is a mask you were given and don't want

but baby I see you

your eyes full of light

there are no innocent tongues here

the mask

it makes them want to get close

even though you can't hardly bear it

to touch

they want

to take care of

to hold up

to admire

and look at

but not to see

not to know

not to ask

or challenge

or change

but baby I see you

there are no pure hearts here

The ones who love you are the ones who want to hold you up

and me, like all the rest of your enemies, I dropped you.

my baby fell, and I failed to run and catch her.

Where were you Baby? Where were you when I needed you?

"uh..somehere else."

#fuck

"I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me"

"I needed you"

"Im sorry"
"I needed you"

"I'm sorry"

and on and on and on

#dumbassfailmantradontnoblackwomanwanttohearfromherman

fail one million times

#fuck

no one is hearing anything

if smart equalled money I'd be balling

i'm the smartest person I know

i make equations in the starlight

i can describe eternity

i see the patterns written in mist and whispers

i know it all

I have all the answers and I listen to no one

but myself. maybe God. certainly not you.

i'm dumbandlonelyandstupid and common sense evades me

i don't see all that I should

even when it's right in front of me

even when it spits in my eye

I don't see

but baby I see you

and I apologize

i begged and cried and pleaded

for the last time

there are no clear eyes here.

that husk is a poor reflection

i remember the nights we laughed and sang and danced and cooked and ate and watched scary movies.

and the fights

our life was a honeymoon

for me, that is

and I ache

not just because we broke loves back

but because baby we invited the destroyer to the party

and fed him and loved him

i mourn because

it will be another lifetime

before I am that close to you again

and you made this one so sweet.

you were my sweet honey/my love, my love.

my butterfly

my hummingbird

my Queen

maybe it has always been that way

we have certainly loved before, perhaps we will again

but not in this time

noone here is clean

but baby I see you

i have no good way to end this poem. this is my last apology.

#NaPoWriMo A Poem 'bout Jesus

A Poem 'bout Jesus

Unconditional love and being perfect

will have you fucked up out here

Cause I love you unconditionally

I have never bled this deep

never hit this hard

ugh

in my gut

over the top of my head

hit

knocked down

in the street

blood in my eyes

pushed down

choked of breath

cold blooded

stabbed in my side

nailed down and hoisted up

bullet holes

don’t burn like this

again and again

You kill me

because I love you

Just want to love you

You

burn me from my inside

my heart stops

and I die

but i’ll be back and you still won’t love me.

#NaPoWriMo if you knew me

if you knew me

if you knew me

then you could see me torn down

and rebuilding

you could see my feet planted

and jaw squared

and know I ain’t taking this

sitting down

you would see me rise.

#NaPoWriMo dead nig music

dead nig music

we shout these nigger

chants

like they black power anthems

i use my bitch like an atm card

like bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks

in love with the coco

like nigga you aint on my level

we killin ourselves

because our words are magic

have weight

we run this motherfucker

but we don’t know it

can’t see it

nigger music is full of death

and dead niggers

and bitches

and killers of niggers and black bitches

we commit to death

celebrate and toast to it

the darkness

but really we full of light

and mirth

the blues

gospel

psalms

..searching for Black Jesus

#NaPoWriMo beat me 11/30

beat me

you beat me

like hot steel

raw material. ore

refined. pounded into shape

sharp.shift

change I can

i am.

have to

change

Springtime

There are many, tiny pieces of your story. I find them scattered, written on fragments of speech, the way you time you take to talk.

I pick up these small pieces, palm to pocket, and put them together in the quiet times we string together.

The sugar in your sweet smile, the smell of you on my hands, I sift you through my fingers....
I want to cast the stars around you and watch as the clouds gather at your feet.
I want to lay around and hold you the way the rivers wind themselves through the mountains.
You are my springtime...this is the season of renewal.

#NaPoWriMo descriptions of people i love

Peace,
I've been lagging on my #NaPoWriMo posts here, but not on my Facebook! So...I'll catch yall up.

descriptions of people I love

nigga got hands like hammers

hard and heavy

sandpapery and rough

and heavy

know he a working man

by the tough crush of hand

i aint that big

on hand crushing

still

i grip his hand tight

nigga name sound dangerous

Damo

like.

short for “mind yo' mothafucking business”

back here

over there. he

sold me some bullshit weed

back of the bar

in some city by the water, Baltimore or Philly

I can’t remember which

I needed to smoke to deal with

that bullshit

poor though and Black

maybe it was Camden

she got bright purple hair

and nails

everything done

Instagram Poppin

her shit fresh

but her kid

is miserable

nose runny

snotty ass

kid with

socks but no shoes

or coat or bottle or snacks

Moms iPhone 6

68 degrees outside

is a betrayal

on my train,

a youngblood

brown and beautiful

fly girlfriend who he will either marry or fuck over

or fuck over and marry later.

or marry and oh never mind

today they are in love

and today is today

they are young black and shiny

on the 38 Muni bus to the Movies in Japantown

sophisticated

but still nervous

…please no cops