#NaPoWriMo My last apology

if beauty was wealth 

then you'd be rich

for a minute

until the covers fell off

until your hair thinned

until the costume wears out

because it's a gorgeous costume

it's a husk you despise

it is a mask you were given and don't want

but baby I see you

your eyes full of light

there are no innocent tongues here

the mask

it makes them want to get close

even though you can't hardly bear it

to touch

they want

to take care of 

to hold up

to admire 

and look at

but not to see

not to know

not to ask

or challenge

or change

but baby I see you

there are no pure hearts here

The ones who love you are the ones who want to hold you up

and me, like all the rest of your enemies, I dropped you. 

my baby fell, and I failed to run and catch her. 

Where were you Baby? Where were you when I needed you?

"uh..somehere else."

    #fuck

"I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me" 

"I needed you"

      "Im sorry"
"I needed you"

      "I'm sorry"

and on and on and on

#dumbassfailmantradontnoblackwomanwanttohearfromherman

fail one million times

#fuck

no one is hearing anything

if smart equalled money I'd be balling

i'm the smartest person I know

i make equations in the starlight

i can describe eternity

i see the patterns written in mist and whispers

i know it all

I have all the answers and I listen to no one

but myself. maybe God. certainly not you.

i'm dumbandlonelyandstupid and common sense evades me

i don't see all that I should

even when it's right in front of me

even when it spits in my eye

I don't see

but baby I see you

and I apologize

i begged and cried and pleaded

for the last time

there are no clear eyes here.

that husk is a poor reflection

i remember the nights we laughed and sang and danced and cooked and ate and watched scary movies. 

and the fights 

our life was a honeymoon

for me, that is

and I ache

not just because we broke loves back

but because baby we invited the destroyer to the party

and fed him and loved him

i mourn because 

it will be another lifetime

before I am that close to you again

and you made this one so sweet.

you were my sweet honey/my love, my love.

my butterfly

my hummingbird

my  Queen

maybe it has always been that way

we have certainly loved before, perhaps we will again

but not in this time

noone here is clean

but baby I see you

i have no good way to end this poem. this is my last apology.